It's okay to be sad.

This morning I told my mom today that it's okay to be sad for a little while, but to celebrate their lives, not mourn for them. It will be three years (in april) since my Grandma died, combined with Kate's death a week ago (yesterday). She is having a hard time and I was trying to make her feel better. I am really good at supporting people, and knowing just what to say to make things a bit better. Too bad I don't follow my own advice.

I've got the celebrate their lives down pat, but it's the "okay to be sad" part I have troubles with. I have not really allowed myself to cry. I tell myself every morning to move on, get over it, smile or else, stop dwelling on it, do something else, whatever it takes to get my mind focusing on stuff and not on sadness. I need to take my own advice or I may never heal.

Sam died almost three years ago.
And I still am sad about it.
Kate died a week ago.
And I am still sad about it.
My Grama died three years ago
And I am still sad about it.

Each of them was so important to me- My grandma was the best grandma ever (I know everyone says that) but really. She was everyone's Grama. The whole town loved her. Her house was like Tim Hortons. Always full of people drinking coffee. She had the best sense of humour and was always there for me if I needed her. I miss her so much. Sometimes I can feel the tightness in my chest when I smell lavender, or hear someone that sounds like her, or hear a wind chime. It seems crazy to miss someone so much when they have been gone for three years.

Sam was my heart. And he died young. He was such an amazing dog. Every moment that I spent with him was great- living with him was always fun, training him was exciting, and having him snuggle in my bed was even better. He had so many qualities that I love- he was the best snuggler and would lay beside me all night long. He had a fantastic work ethic. He would work forever- for a ball, or a cookie, or a piece of pocket lint. It didn't matter. He worked for the pure enjoyment of doing stuff. He was so smart about some stuff, and not so smart about others (it took him more than a few tries to learn the tire....) He was just a very good boy who died before I was ready. It is sucky.

And Kate is still so fresh. She and I had some pretty incredible moments and I am sad that I wasn't around more to enjoy her senior years. She was a dog with major issues and taught me so much about dogs and training. I don't think I would be where I am now had I not picked out the shy, scared little puppy. I am content with her life though and don't feel the same sadness I do for the other two losses. She had a great life, a long life, and almost right to the end was the same old Kate. The light in her eye never left, nor did the bond we shared.

You want to know the one thing that ties all three of these losses together? Guilt. I never got the chance to say goodbye to my Grandma. I didn't spend enough time with her the last year of her life. It never occured to me that she would die. I chose to end Sam's life because I didn't catch his injury soon enough and by the time it was diagnosed it was too expensive, and too risky to attempt. And I recently blogged about my guilt where Kate was concerned. Not enough time spent with an old dog. She lived at my parents a few minutes away and at most I saw her three times a week. It doesn't seem enough.

I could very well be grieving forever if I don't let it out. I just don't know how. I've never been one to be overly emotional. I rarely cry, and certainly not in public if I can help it. That's just the kind of person I am. I have always been the strong one, the person people come to with their problems. I am also a very good liar and can hide my emotions well from most people...(except for a few close friends who can see right through it)...

I do really well for a long time, and then something will remind me and catch me off guard and Bam! Overwhelming sadness that I instantly start punching back down to my gut where it belongs. It makes for interesting mood swings.

In any case the next I am sad I am going to tell myself it's okay. And let the tears fall for as long as I need. And maybe the next time I am sad it will be smaller and easier to deal with. That's my hope anyway. I won't however let the sadness weigh me down. I think that there is a fine line between being sad, and being unhealthy.

And that's where I am at. Mostly okay, but still a little sad sometimes.

I am not the type to wallow in my misery, and hate attention seekers that do that, my life is full of drama but I don't spread it around or shout it from the rooftops. I am a private person. I hesitate to write this blog post as it seems so wimpy, and "poor me" which is not me. But this is my space to write what I want, and I have always felt better after expressing myself in the written word. That and I often pretend that no one but me reads the blog....